Midlife Crisis

I've been struck. I don't know how to express my feelings right now. I took my Calc test today, I felt ready because I've been studying, or I don't know, cramming perhaps-this past week. When I got the test, I looked at the problems, it made me feel more lost than Jimmy's practice test. I was so demoralized I didn't know what to do, where to start, how to start. At the same time I saw everyone else, well the smart people that is, writing like they knew everything. Most people that sit around me have taken the class, I guess I'm going to be like one of them soon. I failed, miserably, I know I did. The test is out of 100 points, I feel like I got a 0. No calculator nor notes were permitted, which made things more terrifying, but I guess that's how college is. I did every homework problem over again for review, yet none of them were on the test. I don't even recall anything from the test being taught in lecture. I mean the rules were, but not the type of problem. I don't know how to explain it, I don't want to know my score either. That test made me feel so bad that I would be happy getting 30/100, and I wished I was exaggerating. Before the test, I already felt the sick to the stomach feeling. I've failed tests before, and crawled back up from them, but this time its so different. Some people say the first test will be the easiest one, and that might be true. Does that mean that if I fail this one, I'll fail in the future too? On the other hand, some people say the first test is the hardest because they don't know what to expect. I don't know where I am. Failing in high school for me was, woo hoo, next! It's different now, I failed a test in one of the most important classes in my major. If I don't pass this class, I don't go anywhere. It's like tripping on the first step while walking up a set of stairs. Withdrawing is an option, but I have confidence in myself that if I really put heart into it, I will succeed. If I withdraw, I'll only have 10 units and it'll ruin the whole purpose of me going to college. I'll have to pay the school back some money, and I'll feel like I've wasted another semester.

Today, I think I've redefined the word and spelling of FAIL, and it's now ERIC. I sure hope this crisis is a midlife, and not a end of the life crisis. From now on, I'm going to read everyday, go to tutoring everyday, and do every problem until I can bitchslap it back to (insert here). I can't blame anyone but myself for failing. Maybe I am not who I was born to be, but can I really let the hopes down in my family? I've been too forgetful lately. I am known to myself to have literally photographic memory. Why can't I apply it to this course? Yesterday, I locked my own keys in the trunk- fail. Jimmy had to go to my house and get the spare keys from my grandma for me. I'm grateful to have someone do something like that for me, he even tried to help me clarify some simple concepts that I am too stupid to understand when we were at his house. I don't deserve to have such friends.. What the hell am I here for? I might still smile and laugh from now on, but I won't be happy. The day before yesterday, people were looking at me funny the whole day. In Chinese class, I realized that I didn't zip my zipper- fail. Today, I ran Lake Merced with Andrew Z. I was so frustrated and pumped up that I outran him also, it was the other way around in High School. Speaking of High School, I think there is a deeper meaning to why its called "High School," and it probably applied to me. Even though I wasn't "high" from drugs, I was "high" because during the first 3 years of "high" school, I walked around like an idiot and did nothing but fooled around. The point came to me during Senior year and I realized it was too late to do anything- fail. I ate pho with Andrew because when I'm unhappy, I eat, sorry Xiao, I broke your rule already- fail. Today my dad called me to buy onion to make this kind of soup we do often, guess what? I went to get the onion, but I got green onion, which is not the right type.- fail. I don't know what's been happening lately, but this is my midlife crisis and I hope the ERIC train comes to a stop soon.